Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
You Might Also Like
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
somebody come look at this
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Yup!
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.