Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.