Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what