About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
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When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)