Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I can’t wait!
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
nature’s most graceful animal
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?