employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
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7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I hate everything