Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.