Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
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Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show: