4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
You Might Also Like
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since