Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
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Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Did my cat write this
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.