Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
You Might Also Like
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM