My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
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This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
#NoRestForTheWicked
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
[shakes fist at other fist]
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Why soy sad?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.