Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.