The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
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If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
True
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
subtitles are so good nowadays
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“We will wed,” I threatened
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
A woman drives into a bar.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.