I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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