Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes