*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Ha
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.