it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
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If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Those are good neighbors.
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Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.