You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Pringles
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back