*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
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Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments