Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
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Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.