going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
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“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me when i see my girls butt
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees