Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
the short answer to this question
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
What even happened today?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.