“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
crying
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
No laws when master is gone
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight