Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
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figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Lmao the reply
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?