Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.