If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
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My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Covid like
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
“How’s your day going?”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out