I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
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Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.