[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend