A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
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dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children