The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
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Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.