11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
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Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Are you ok, human???
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.