Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
This meal prepping shit easy
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.