Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
A woman drives into a bar.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
no cat here