I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
You Might Also Like
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.