The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
You Might Also Like
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
it was love at first sight
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Beware…..
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.