What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?