Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
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i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Same pineapple, same
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.