Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…