I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
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The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I’m good, thanks.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever