The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
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Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I have never related to anyone more.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*