The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
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I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets