“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
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[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Not all heroes wear capes….