My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Hey i am sexy to you now
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Just a reminder, folks:
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
That first coffee be like oh you鈥檙e awake HA just kidding.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it鈥檚 started an OnlyFans account.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 馃檭
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 馃槼
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let鈥檚 consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better