It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
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my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
2022: I can fix it
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”