That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
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I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Is this a threat?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.