me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
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As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”