“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
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Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg