I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
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Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??