“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
put ‘er there pardner!
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
welcome back
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.